A main feature of Ramazan in Pakistan is the surge of sehr and iftar talk shows and television programmes. Audiences, hungry for food, and thirsty for Da’wah (preaching of Islam), willingly welcome the gimmicky stratagems of the media-walays (media-people) looking to hook and reel us in. To name just a few, this year’s list of programmes features some of Pakistan’s most jaanay-maanay celebrities (well-known celebrities); a sportsman, an TV host slash regional park morality police, and an actress, model and an item girl, all in one personality (yes I know you know exactly who I speak of). By bringing in Pakistan’s most notorious and/or well-known celebrities, networks have tapped into a purification algorithm. By taking one-part Pakistani audience (with a very short-term memory which conveniently forgets all ills committed by many of our media-walays), combining it with the fact that everyone along with their mothers are glued to Ramazan programmes, television networks have stumbled on the holy grail of mass media profitability. It’s not just sex that sells, folks. Religion, too, at least in Pakistan, sells just as hot and fast. So, we have our very first award; the 'best gutting and reeling in of the junta award', which goes to all the hosts collectively featured in this article, for so cleverly winning the public’s trust by easing into our hearts and minds when we were most vulnerable - fraught with hunger and the desire to forgive. Next is the Award for the 'most sensational', which easily goes to ARY’s "Sheher-e-Ramazan" host Maya Khan (alongside Dr Shahid Masood) for their sensational live broadcasting of a Pakistani Hindu’s conversion to Islam. Televised conversions are arguably tasteless, denigrating and possibly forceful; especially when the subject of conversion is already a marginalised, second-class citizen. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkCg0Tkjomk]] But kudos to Maya Khan, for following up so succinctly and splendidly to her role, where she played morality police infamously chasing down young couples in public parks. The next award (long in title, so bear with us) is the Award for the 'most well intentioned Ramazan show gone awry'. And the recipient this year is none other than our cricket hero, Boom Boom Afridi. Afridi, responding much like Batman to Gotham’s bat call, appears in the homes of those who have invited him (via SMS) to simultaneously have iftari with them and woo the nation in his starched kurta and manicured beard. But Afridi’s good intentions tend to go awry because, usually, his presence tends to turn iftar conversations into a question-and-answer-session on the nation’s favourite past time, cricket! [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBndVnyl5KU]] Despite Afridi’s "Mehman ka Ramazan" and its honourable agenda, the show fails to bring forth any profound human change. The problem that posits itself with Afridi’s presence on the show is not that he is increasing his popularity, by weaving the service of his happy influence through the tissue of these peoples’ lives, but that there are far more reputable scholars capable of educating and enlightening us during this Holy month. Of course, whilst on the topic of scholars, we reach the Award for the 'most on point Ramazan programme’ this 2012, for which the top contender is Geo’s “Pehchan Ramzan” host Aamir Liaquat. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8LlCr2f7g0]] Liaquat, always loud on the theme, as per usual, suits up in his signature sherwani, all the while bringing his strained counterfeit of perfect ease - reminding us that he knows the art of selling a show all too well. As his viewers sit rapt with attention (willingly unconscious of any possible backstage savagery), Liaquat relentlessly speaks of many things; the sins that darken our times, the stories of the first Muslims who spread Islam with much persistence and inveteracy, and the singular need of acquiring Islamic knowledge. Say what you want of Liaquat’s prior discrepancies, when it comes to putting on a remarkable religious talk show, he, with his firmness of purpose and vigour of action, remains the nation’s favourite poster-boy of all things deen (religious). Vigour of action also, incidentally, brings us to our last award, an honorary mention for the little show that once could’ve been but is no more.  Hero TV, not one to play on small, passive beliefs decided to jump into the market of Ramazan talk shows with quite an active weapon. A highly-circulated preview of “Astaghfaar” with the oft-celebrity, and always scandalous Veena Malik, led to heated debate and social media petitioning. The consequence of this angry backlash? A premature cancelling of the show before it aired (cue the tears of many adolescent males). [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYd4H7EqVj4]] But all was not in vain because the 45 second, teary soliloquy laced with thought provoking innuendo continues to steadily climb in YouTube hits world over.

“Main karoon gee...aap ke saath...pooray Ramazan ...”  (I will do... with you... the whole of Ramazan...)

This country has a strange relationship with sexuality. Our TV dramas are rife with innuendos, Meera is shaking her stuff for a Ramazan special, Veena Malik will now officially be facing all her haters with the relaunch of the grand joke, "Astaghfar" and a man and woman were paraded naked on the streets of Khairpur for their 'illicit intentions'. The news report of these so-called intentions is vague at best. While the man was caught in the confines of his 'own house' with two ladies, only one of the women was forced to strip naked by the police, and the fate of the other is circumspect. It boggles the mind that many good people of our country will stand and stare as two human beings are dehumanised and paraded like lambs to a slaughter house. The people who swear by the chivalry of the men of our country, who unlike the men of the big bad West are supposed to protect the honour of their women; the same people who ‘tsk tsk’ at the 'city women' who dare to bear their arms and ankles, failed to stop the police from committing this act of inhumanity. What should have been a knee-jerk reaction was instead a paralysis of scruples. The woman, still naked, was whisked off finally in a police car, to suffer only God knows what further indignities at the hands of the police. The medium is the message: Human beings in this country must be sacrificed to uphold our imagined collective chastity! Not to much surprise, these policemen have only been 'suspended'. There is little hope that any real action will be taken unless the media, and we, the people, cry out for justice and deterrence to be served. But will we care enough? Lets face it, the police reacted to what was for them an ample opportunity for voyeurism to which they probably feel entitled. I suppose we are not alone in committing acts of perverted hate against our own. I am reminded of the Christian Witch trials in Europe and America, where mostly women were burnt naked and alive at the stake for their witchery, often a euphemism for what was considered 'immoral' behaviour. But that was the 16th century, society then was premature and primitive. We in the cities, fie at the unruly masses, tucking our privilege more tightly around us, contend that it is the 'other' that infects our country, an 'other' we are at a safe distance from. We are wrong. The hysteria that may crystallise in our culprits here, is diffused amongst all of us. You might not know it but your neighbour will dismiss this story with a sniff, believing that the victims deserved what they got for their indiscretions. The same seed exists in the minds of the men in our country who believe that women who make themselves available in public, deserve to be stripped naked. The same virus infects the police who avert their eyes at domestic abuse, dismissing it as 'family matters'. There is prostitution in this country, people fornicate and are adulterous, watch pornography and make pornography and engage in homosexual activity, but our tongues are tied. We are infants in the wake of our realities. Instead of understanding, initiating dialogues, and taking constructive action, we deny the complications of sexual behaviour and instead weave our troubled psychologies into a burqa (veil) and immolate it. What more is left to say. Many of us have written scores of indignant pages, reviling, analysing, despairing and chastising, but the plague does not show any signs of respite. In Pakistan the tyranny is born by the common man and inflicted by the common man, and the middle class continues to maintain the status quo by their conservatism and fear. The rest of us wring our hands. I pray for all of us- sinners and saints alike- for we are all party to this madness. [poll id="189"] Read more by Anam here or follow her on Twitter @anamabbas

Here are the next 15 reasons that compel me to love Pakistan… 36. Faisal Masjid: The national mosque of Pakistan isn’t just a landmark my generation and I grew up admiring for its majestic splendour; it’s also significant to Pakistan’s identity as the largest mosque in South Asia and the fourth largest mosque in the world. 37. The intelligentsia that were our poets: Right from Allama Iqbal to Faiz Ahmed Faiz, Ahmed Faraz and Parveen Shakir, Pakistan has been truly blessed when it comes to poets and philosophers that have literally inspired the nation in times of need. The aforementioned are just a few from a gamut of literary geniuses. 38. Uncle Sargam: He and Masi Museebtay may not tickle the fancy of a 21^st century Pakistani child. However, for those of us born in the latter part of the last century, Uncle Sargam was quite the star with his clever innuendos and smart quips that warranted a few hearty laughs for fans of the hit PTV show "Kaliyan"! It’s a pity the show’s sequel "Siyasi Kaliyan" on Dawn News didn’t do too well, but thank you, Mr Farooq Qaiser, for giving us one of the most original and lovable Pakistani characters, ever. 39. The Indus Valley civilisation: This 5000-year-old civilisation which was once spread over what is now Pakistan, is widely noted for its cities built of brick, roadside drainage system and multi-stories houses, making it one of the oldest Bronze Age societies known to man. The two major urban IVS centers excavated till now include Harappa and Mohenjo Daro, which, mind you, has been identified as one of the most significant UNESCO World Heritage Site in the world. 40. The Meeras, Reemas, Sahirs, Aamir Liaquats and Veenas: No matter how hard you squint your eyes and shake your head in denial, they’re the only “filmy” superstars we’ve got. Might as well start owning them and enjoy their endless shenanigans for their entertainment value, eh? 41. Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan: Beside the fact that he trained and taught his skill to Rahat Fateh Ali Khan, Nusrat Fateh was the man who made Qawwali and Sufi music fashionable by introducing it to the West, and, ultimately the younger lot at home. With the staggering six-octave vocal range, ‘Shehenshah-e-Qawwali’ recorded 125 albums during his 25-year career. He collaborated with several international music giants to sing for soundtracks of dozens of Hollywood & Bollywood movies, and his vocals still continue to pop up every now and then to surprise and remind us of what a brilliant musician he was… and that he was ours! 42. All the other musicians: How can one forget the immeasurable contributions to Pakistani music of Reshma, Abida Parveen, Attaullah Khan Esakhelvi, the Sabris and Ali Khans and Farida Khanum. Moreover we've birthed stars like Iqbal Bano, Roshan Ara Begum, Munni Begum, Allan Fakir, Naseebo Laal, Alam and Arif Lohar, Aziz Mian, Ahmed Rushdie, Naheed Akhtar and Mussarrat Nazir. And who can forget the pop singers and bands right from Nazia and Zohaib Hasan, Alamgir to Vital Signs, Junoon, Strings as well as the new lot for, well, rockin’ it! 43. Sialkoti craftsmanship and sports equipment: Every few years, on the occasion of the Olympics and Fifa World Cup, we’re reminded of the underappreciated artisans grinding away in sport equipment factories in the soccer production capital of the world that is Sialkot. Here’s our chance to do more than just smile and feel proud for all of five seconds: Thank You for producing something that has the best quality in the whole world and has our name on it! 44. Nishan-e-Haiders, Hilal-i-Jurats, Sitara-e-Jurats, Tamgha-i-Jurats as well as all the undecorated Pakistani shaheeds – One word: Respect. 45. Live cooking shows: Although it’s a pity none of our chefs are as pleasing to look at as Nigella Lawson (we can hope, can’t we?), you've got to admit, these one-of-a-kind cooking shows have surely taught the ladies all over Pakistan a thing or two about Zauq, Zaiqa and Masala… 46. Maalish walas (local masseuses): Really, where else in the world will you be able to really appreciate life’s small pleasures like enjoying a roadside shawarma, while getting a 100-rupee back rub? [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaudwKK4uPo&feature=related]] 47. The royal treatment: Our predilection for royal treatment doesn’t end at roadside massages and back rubs. We Pakistanis are spoilt to a point where we’re easily angered if our fast food isn’t served to us on our tables with a big smile at international fast food joints. We’d rather order stuff online than promenade through overcrowded bazaars like normal people, and use our cars’ horns instinctively, expecting a bunch of kids to line up to bring us whatever we want just so we wouldn’t have to get off the air-conditioned car! 48. All the fashion and entertainment and shiny happy faces:  With the rest of the country’s institutions and industries literally spiralling down the economic dumpster, it’s a wonder to see our fashion and entertainment industries do so well for themselves. Who cares for all the bomb blasts and political mudslinging hoedowns anyway when you’ve got all those pretty, cosmeticised faces playing dress up on TV to keep you distracted, right? 49. Wagah border guard change ceremony: If you’re ever low on patriotic fuel, quickly go to YouTube and type in “Wagah border guard change”. Really, there’s something very special about the diurnal ceremony that’s good to keep your patriotic streak alive for a few weeks at least! And shallow as this may sound, I think the fact that our guards are always way better looking than theirs has definitely got something to do with it, too! [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zwPJm1QdOM]] 50. All the fathers of Pakistan that we conveniently forget to thank. So thank you Sir Syed Ahmed Khan, Liaqat Ali Khan, Muhammad Zafarullah Khan, Aga Khan III, Fatima Jinnah, Bahadur Yar Jung and Maulana Mohammad Ali Jauhar. And thank you, too, Chaudhry Khaliquzzaman, A K Fazlul Huq, Sardar Abdur Rab Nishtar, Jogendra Nath Mandal, Sir Victor Turner, Ra'ana Liaquat Ali Khan and Dr Sir Ziauddin Ahmed. All the other prominent leaders of the Pakistan Movement, as well as the hundreds of thousands of men and women who lost their lives during the 90-year struggle for independence, thank you! You eventually secured us the gift that we now call home. PHOTO CREDIT: AFP/REUTERS/MUHAMMAD JAVAID/FILE/ PUBLICITY Read more by Saad here.

No, I’m not writing to bash Veena Malik for showing too much cleavage, saying sex before marriage is cool or any of the 20,000 things Pakistanis habitually bash her for. I have actually been a part of ‘Team Veena’ - a big fan of this bold, outspoken woman who seemed (unlike the rest of this nation) to keep it real, even in the face of fame and celebdom. No more so I am afraid. If you haven’t watched the clip above, let me narrate what happens in it. VEENA MALIK MINI-EXORCIST EPISODE SCRIPT Veena Malik receives a call-in on her show ‘Astaghfaar’ on Hero TV (a call that is about as authentic as the show is classy). The caller is a young woman calling from Karachi who says she is living alone. What a terrible thing, says Veena, who asks for the woman’s age and marital status. “I’m 24” says the audibly distraught woman. “And you haven’t married yet?” asks Veena. The caller goes on to describe a broken home, while Veena nods knowingly until it is revealed that black magic is the cause of the woman’s current distress. *Cue fake gasp and cross-over to token maulvi* What we have next is just outrageous. We viewers are moved from fairly run-of-the-mill religious filler by the maulvi to the caller freaking out, screaming and “being possessed by a demon” as the maulvi informs us. (Controlled) pandemonium breaks loose, with Veena standing up, freaking out and calling on her team to “check” if the caller is okay (rather than say, dropping the call immediately – or say, editing out the entire call so it never airs). Next we get a mini-episode of The Exorcist, with brave maulvi sahib engaging with the ‘demon’ with such enlightened remarks as: “Who are you? Are you Muslim or Hindu?” (To which the demon replies “I’m not Muslim”) “Leave now, or we will burn you” (burn who? The possessed woman?) “How dare you as a non-Muslim Hindu try to enter our Muslim sister? Aren’t you ashamed” “I’ll just call for a stick and break your bones (Whose bones? The woman’s?) The call drops. Veena sighs – a mixture of relief and fear. “We’ll be back after the commercial, friends” she says… Veena, I get it. You’re in show business, and this is your job. Read the script, play out the role and give it your best. It’s really my fault for assuming you actually stood for things above and beyond your role as an actor. Forgive me, some of your previous interviews and actions had me fooled. I assumed you actually found religious dogma that tries to keep women in bondage, nay, beat them under the guise of superstitious nonsense something that is foul and condemnable. I assumed you were in India as part of a larger gesture to show that you had no beef with a nation’s creed – that ‘Hindu’ was not a foul, demonic, evil thing. I assumed you were, at some level, keeping an eye on what you would or would not be willing to do in the name of fame and fortune i.e. drop a show, drop a script, or even the much smaller, drop a segment you disagreed with at some fundamental level. I assumed you would never be sitting across from a jaahil maulvi play-acting to the lowest common denominator in our already befuddled and fearful society. I expect such a display from Baba Welfare (exorcist extraordinaire) or Alim Junaib Bengali, but I guess I can expect the same from you too. I’d say shame on you, but really, shame on me. My only request would be: in the future, when a woman is crippled, maimed, raped or murdered in an exorcism ritual (and that happens often) think about the impact of the show you ran. The next time you hear of a violent act against a Hindu family in Pakistan, or that entire families are migrating to India seeking refuge from a nation filled with hate – think about this segment you were a part of, and the message it sent out. Read more by Jahanzaib here or follow him on Twitter @jhaque_

Dear Prince Harry, I saw you naked. You have put yourself in deep trouble and I am sure your grandmother will be very angry about this incident. When the media asked your family about its reaction to the pictures, your family decided to remain silent. My sincere advice to you is that not giving a statement is the wrong way to handle the media. I am experienced in dealing with many controversies and would like to share my experience in dealing with the media. This is a step-by-step, four-week plan to be implemented anytime you are in such trouble. Your first statement to the media should be that the pictures are not yours. It doesn’t matter what question the media asks; you must repeat this denial statement for a week. During the second week, you should state that the pictures are fake and computer generated. This will divert the media’s attention towards finding out the veracity of the pictures instead of talking about your activities and character. Next, you must blame some hidden forces that are working against you and your honourable family. Without taking names, you can hint towards the judiciary and the army. Continue this for the entire third week. Finally, in the fourth week, democracy will help you! Yes, in the last week, give a final categorical statement that this is all a conspiracy against democracy and will not be successful. No matter how big, one news piece cannot stay in the headlines for more than a month. The media will find something juicier and people will eventually forget about your news. If the matter becomes complicated and you need to give some other statement, you can always say that the pictures are yours but the context in which they are being taken is not correct. I am also forwarding you the phone numbers of our celebrities, Meera and Veena Malik, who are experienced in these matters and are willing to help you. Our cricket umpire Asad Rauf may also be contacted as he has dealt with a similar situation recently. With this plan, you will be able to better tackle the media in the future. Regards, One of the Gilanis P.S. Can you please ask those girls to make fraandship with me? Read more by Ovais here. 

So when exactly did the concept of philanthropy change and how come no one told me? I look at the good guys of the past and compare them to the so-called humanity lovers of today and I feel like an imbecile who hibernated her way to modernity. The definition of the word philanthropy has apparently been transformed, much to my surprise. As a baby, I was told by my mother that Buddha was the epitome of sacrifice because he gave up his Kingdom to find what people needed the most, Nirvana. Another figure, Mother Teresa, couldn’t keep more for herself than substandard white clothes and our famous or rather infamous messiah Gandhi, gave up the luxuries of life just to show he was one of the oppressed. Today, when our gorgeous, rich and famous Angelina Jolie, whose net worth in 2011 was $30 million, popped out of nowhere and launched her boat in the philanthropy river, everyone loved her for it. Also worth mentioning here is that Jolie was Hollywood’s highest-paid actress in 2009 and 2011, according to Forbes. Hence, she draws quite a contrast to the Mother Teresas and Gandhis of yesterday. As I write this piece, I already know that the men who still act like hormonal teenagers whenever Jolie makes an appearance in her thigh-high slits and women who treat her like their palpable Aphrodite will bombard me with criticism. But I can’t stop feeling that Jolie’s philanthropic streak is just a way for her to earn a few more years of limelight. I see news about her being “beautiful inside out” flood my Facebook page and I keep thinking that if celebrity charities are the in thing, why can’t our local ones get a pat on the back? If we have become open to celebrities donning the superhero or superheroine cape, then why do we call Veena Malik a dramaybaaz and hungry for publicity when she gladly volunteered to be the sponsor mother of an Indian girl? Wasn’t that philanthropy enough for us? If Veena’s risqué photo shoot and very charming fling with Ashmeet Patel is keeping her from becoming our contemporary superwoman, why isn’t anyone judging Jolie for stealing someone else’s husband? Read more by Taneeya here.

“The highest happiness on earth is marriage.”  William Lyon Phelps

Five years of democracy has meant a great deal of ups and downs for the free media. There has been a lot of drama, and occasionally some substance. Politicians returned from the wilderness into a completely changed world and had to adapt quickly. New phrases, techniques and protocols had to be developed and on most occasions, the result - apart from tragedy - was hilarity! Here are a few of the best trends that caught on in the Pakistani media. “Dekhein ghaltian tou sab se hui hein” (We’ve all made mistakes) The best of the trends came right at the start. Several politicians were stepping out of the darkness and back into the light under the protection of the National Reconciliation Ordinance (NRO). As they emerged, blinking, trying to adjust to this fresh new world, they pledged their support to this new reconciliation. Whatever had happened, had happened;  it was time to start over. And when the issue of corruption came up, they said,

“Well, we all make mistakes.”

“Oh, damn it, I’ve done it again! I really should be more careful next time.”

“I'm such an idiot! I’ve done it again, oh well ...”

“Ye mere bhai/meri behn hein, mein inn ki bohot izzat karta hoon” (This person is like a brother/sister to me and I respect him/her a lot)

“Kya aap ne show dekha hai?”

“Yes, I am a despicable leech who enjoys the same things he is denouncing!”

“Err, no, I have no idea what I'm talking about and have just come to rail on about things I know nothing about.”

“I have heard about it from other people.”

“Ah, so you haven't seen it yourself; you have been shamefully misguided. Please come back when you know what you're talking about.”

Veena Malik, the infamous yet controversial star was recently exported to India. No surprise here, she broke the 108 kisses Guinness World Record set by Salman Khan and was able to win over 137 kisses on her hand in a span of a minute. PHOTO: IANS  However, while some may think it is a proud moment for Pakistan, I beg to differ. We didn’t need Veena’s cheap publicity stunt to set a record. This has brought little more than disgust to all of us. However, it pleases me to say that this is not the only record Pakistanis hold. Pakistanis have made it to the renowned Guinness Book of World Records for far more significant causes. Please read below to see some records that deserve attention and respect. Academics Muhammad Ilyas holds the Guinness World Record for being the Youngest Civil Judge. He became a Civil Judge at the age of 20 years and 9 months in July 1952. The world’s youngest Microsoft Professional record had been preset by Arfa Karimin in 2005, which was later surpassed by Shafay Thubani, an eight-year-old, in 2012. Ali Mooen Nawazish from Rawalpindi holds the record of achieving 23 As in Cambridge University A-level examinations. Similarly in 2011, Syed Zohaib Asad secured 28 A’s in Cambridge University O-level examinations, breaking the previous record of 23 A’s set by Ibrahim Shahid. Sports Fortunately, this is a popular domain for Pakistanis and we have secured many records here. Amongst these is the unbeaten eight titles of World Open Squash Championship by Jansher Khan! Now that is a record worthy of praise! Moreover, Pakistan also has the record of the fastest electronically recorded delivery in cricket by Shoaib Akhtar. And who can forget the fastest century in an ODI by Shahid Afridi? PHOTO: AFP Mountains and Glaciers Although this might be hard to believe for some but Pakistan is rich in its natural beauty. Nanga Parbet is recognised as the fastest rising mountain which is growing taller at a rate of 7 mm (0.27 in) per year. PHOTO: AFP The Fastest Glacier surge was recorded in 1953 at the Kutiah Glacier which advanced more than 12 km in three months. The Rupal face of Nanga Parbat, with a single rise of some 5,000 m (16,000 ft) from the valley floor to the summit, is another Guinness world record. Miscelaneous records A few other reputable Pakistani Guinness World records include: • The largest flaming image using candles This consisted of 35,478 candles and was achieved at the Hotel Serena in Faisalabad on December 10, 2009. • The largest silver ring This ring weighs 71.680 kg with an inner diameter of 2 ft 9 in. It was created by Amin & Company, and presented in Lahore on August 18, 2010. • The longest graffiti scroll It is 1,924 m in length and was achieved by Pakistanis in Sharjah Cricket Stadium on March 3, 2012. • Largest human national flag 24,200 students in Punjab set this record for Pakistan by making the largest human national flag during the Punjab Youth Festival in October, 2012. Photo: SHAFIQ MALIK/ THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE • Largest human mosaic A total of 1,936 Pakistani students set this record in Lahore in October, 2012. The picture mosaic was of the Shahi Qila (Lahore Fort.) • National anthem singing Around 42,813 people raised their voices to the tune of the National Anthem at the National Hockey Stadium in Lahore. PHOTO: ONLINE • Fastest time to arrange a chess set This was achieved by Mehak Gul in 45.48 seconds. • Fastest time to wire a plug This was achieved by Mian Nouman Anjum in 37.8 seconds. • Fastest time to make three chapattis This was achieved by Muhammad Mansha in 3 mins 18 seconds. Coming back to Veena Malik , given her boundless ambitions and “sky is the limit ” mentality there is a plethora of opportunities that could guarantee her multiple entries in Guinness Book of World Records, but she chose the most ridiculous one. It dismays me that Pakistanis have to resort to cheap stunts as so just to gain some headlines. I want our nation and others to know that we are more than just this. Moreover, I want our youth to continue to uphold the trend of securing honourable records, because as proved above, hum kisi se kam nahin! (we aren’t less than anyone else!)  

As I throw in my 2000 rupees worth (because two cents just doesn’t cut it anymore) into the ring about who should be the caretaker prime minister, I’d first like to congratulate my fellow Pakistanis on having managed their lives with unreliable electricity, inflation, and joblessness. Like a long fasting day in the summer heat during which we thought we won’t make it, iftar time is finally here and perhaps after the elections we may celebrate Eid. But in that midst, we must decide who our Eid ka chand will be. For the two non-Muslim Pakistanis remaining in the country and the several Jewish media agents reading my piece during their routine spying on us Pakistanis, I refer to the caretaker prime minister nomination and election. After much careful thought, I decided to order Fat Burger. Sitting overseas, it makes me feel closer to my countrymen who also have a branch there to dine at. It was while munching on the fries that I thought about who should have been on the nomination list. I narrowed down my list as below: Mohsin Khan: Under his coaching (interim role ahem ahem),Pakistan managed to win three Test series including one against the number one Test country (at that time) – our old rulers, the ‘Great Beaten’, I mean Britain. Even at the age of 50 he has managed to hold on to his good looks and charismatic personality. Of course those aspects aren’t of any real use to the prime minister role but when did we ever elect prime ministers on the basis of having any kind of skill set? The downside is that just as the country will start doing well, he’ll be replaced. It might also be a problem for PTI supporters whose prayers over the last five years of an ex-cricketer named Khan becoming prime minister would be wasted on the wrong one. Our Cricket Team:  All of them; they work great together… in short formats. The shorter the better! Their concentration won’t last beyond the ‘20’ days of governance. The possible downside is that there might be a sudden shift in the election results at the last minute if the caretaker government decides to ‘match fix’(old habits die hard). Veena Malik:  We’ve just been beaten by India on gender equality and even though we sit at a lowly ‘123’ in the world, we would be patting ourselves on the back and continuing the charade of giving women more freedom. I’d say our rankings were propelled by Veena Malik whose daring acts and outspoken nature in this chauvinistic society must have fooled the UN compilers of this data. I personally admire her and would love to see all the excitement around her leading the nation. She could host a prayer show on TV in which we are all asked for pardoning of our sins lest the current government returns. In the evenings she would distract us all from our hard lives by hosting a kiss the prime minister night which would be a first in the world. Take that Punjab government and your obsession with world records. Finally, her English would confuse any foreign government or internal terrorists about what she is trying to stay and she would be able to get away with all her demands. Viva Pakistan!  Tariq Aziz:  Yes, the Tariq Aziz of Neelam Ghar. In the brief period of the interim government, this could be absolutely brilliant. Our previous governments have constantly sold off our country for their own gains and sold off valuable assets (Gwadar port, etc). Why not turn it into a fun and transparent event? Tariq could host it on television and have large mass participation and corporate sponsorship. We can invite people from all over the world and have a carnival with this one. With everything valuable gone, the incoming government won’t be able to loot us any further either. Agha Waqar Khan: This hero who got us in the news all over the world deserves a nomination. Maybe we could get him linked to a Gulf investor and together they could announce their plan to invest billions to build the biggest water run car in the world in Karachi. The downside could be that no one might be able to locate our nominee as he tends to disappear. I would vote for him though. Just kitting. Mathira: She’s just like our government - we criticise their work continuously and yet continue to vote them in and keep them on ‘air’. She’s like our awaam – poorly clad. She is Pakistan. The morning show where callers get to talk to the prime minister would be so much fun as she coyly avoids any real questions. Every disastrous move by the government could be side-lined at the drop off a top. I do think it might boost our tourism industry as people would be fooled into thinking Pakistan is an open, liberated society. The downside? People might vote her in permanently. Imran Khan: Since he’s promised to get everything fixed in 90 days… PHOTOS: ONLINE PUBLICITY Read more by Salman here. 

NOTE: Most of these responses are inspired by real comments

Yesterday, at a seminar titled ‘Pakistan-India relations: What can media do?’, Mumbai Press Club’s President Gurbir Singh reportedly urged the Indian as well as Pakistani media to stop airing Television Rating Point (TRP)-grossing talk shows that negatively affect peace prospects between the two nations. This statement comes as a remarkable affirmation of a commitment to peace that needs to be strengthened by the media fraternity on both sides of the border. It comes close on the heels with Kamal Siddiqi’s recent piece titled ‘Talk peace, be damned’, where he laments that war-mongering brings ratings but at the expense of the dividends that peace can bring. He goes on to say,

“In my view as a journalist, possibly the role of the media… is more important than we think it is. We need to give both sides of the story, something that we have not been honestly doing.”

“Helping to make peace between India and Pakistan is not my job. My job is to report.”

“But everyone is a stakeholder in peace,”

Veena Malik has found a new claim to fame. And this time it is at the opposite end of the pendulum. Suddenly modelling, acting, dancing and all showbiz-related content has been deemed un-Islamic. By Veena Malik. Yes, Veena Malik. Don’t believe me? [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1a663d_veena-malik-in-umrah_shortfilms[/embed] Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against practicing one’s faith but no one can publicly criticise another’s profession in the name of religion. No one can have the audacity to turn on someone or something that made you who you are. Not even Veena Malik. Who is she to decide about the sanctity of the showbiz industry? Yes, people can change; they can become more devout and pious. But they cannot criticise the actions of others and especially, not on national television. And what annoys me is that the media gave her ‘affected’ message live coverage. The same media that made her what she is today. We all know about her initial journey of failure as an actress in Lollywood and then her failed attempt at acting in TV shows. Her fortune only changed for the better after she acted in Pakistan’s popular comedy show Hum Sab Umeed Say Hain. Then she tried her luck in India where once again, she acted in a succession of failures including Zindagi 50-50, Gali Gali Mein Chor Hai and Tere Naal Love Hogaya. While in India, she created quite a controversy when participating in Big Boss and with her ‘allegedly’ nude photo shoot for the Indian online edition of the international monthly men’s lifestyle magazine FHM. And if this photo shoot was not enough, the next drama on the plate was her tattoo which was visible during the shoot. The tattoo happened to be of Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) and after this, there were speculations that Veena was acting as a Pakistani spy in India – a claim she vehemently denied, of course. My point is that Veena has gone out of her way to create a spectacle out of everything she has put herself into. And she has done a good job, judging from the fame she has accumulated over the years. I don’t think there is anyone who would not know of Veena Malik. They might not have seen her pictures, shows or movies, but they would still know who she is and why she is famous. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Veena Malik has always gone out of her way to create a spectacle out of everything she has put herself into. Photo: File[/caption] So, this new video just seems like another theatrical attempt to add some spice to her life (and to that of others too). I am not to trying to compare her actions to those of a regular woman (since she has clearly shown that she isn’t one) but she needs to understand that there are several ways to resolve issues. And not all of them have to be so dramatic. Take the example of Sunny Leone. When the Indo-Canadian moved from the adult film industry to Bollywood, she spoke about her past in a matter-of-fact way. She never denied that it had been a part of her life but neither did she speak ill about the adult film industry. And then, along comes Veena, clad in her abaya and hijab, setting off for Umrah and asking people for forgiveness for her ‘past mistakes’ and requesting them to pray for her so that she is able to stick to this ‘change’ in her life. She has announced her retirement from the Indian and Pakistani film industry but has promised that she will only work for social welfare projects in the future. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="300"] She has announced her retirement from the film industry and has claimed that she will only work for social welfare projects. Photo: File[/caption] Her supporters will argue that it is customary to ask for prayers and forgiveness when heading off to a pilgrimage. But coming on air and asking for ‘forgiveness for her past mistakes’ just seems insulting to the media industry – the very industry that welcomed her and made her who she is today. Or was yesterday. I just think that religion is one’s personal domain and flaunting her ‘Naik Perveen-ness’ in our faces, just like she flaunted all her other assets in our faces yesterday, is in poor taste. Just because she has decided to set out on a new part in her life does not mean that the entire film industry is un-Islamic and is on the path to despair. She has claimed in her interviews that ‘well-wishers from all over the world have been congratulating her and sending her prayers’. I think that had she made this move in a more discreet and subtle way, her well-wishers would have been much more in number. And I might have been one of them.

A well-known journalist, Hasan Nisar was recently criticised by religious extremists and individual zealots from all over the country for a statement he made on a TV show. The most circulated interpretation of his statement has been that he suggested nude beaches in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1eclly_nude-beaches-should-be-allowed-in-pakistan-hassan-nisar_news[/embed] I won’t be surprised if the analyst regrets having said something like that in a country where a woman is not just a woman but an honour for her family, sometimes her neighbourhood and in the case of women like Dr Aafia Siddiqui and Veena Malik, for the entire country. From a liberal perspective, the suggestion has been appreciated behind closed doors and it’s obvious why this appreciation can’t make its way to the mainstream. To be clear, what we’re discussing here is not just a woman. It’s the opinion that a sexually satisfied nation would have more room for progress than a sexually frustrated one. Before we go any further, let us understand sex a little better. Sex is a basic human need without a doubt, unless you’re asexual. And the ratio of asexuality is normally very low to be brought into discussion here. We all feel hungry, thirsty and you can add a couple more abstract nouns that fit here. Similarly, we have a very basic need for sex and studies confirm that the fulfilment of this need is normally very healthy for us, just like the fulfilment of all other basic needs. It isn’t very difficult for a conscious mind to understand that an unfulfilled basic need can not only lead to bad but downright dangerous consequences. Think about it. If you keep a man away from water for a very long time, he wouldn’t refrain from drinking his own urine for the sake of survival. You may call yourself a ‘proud Pakistani’ but here a woman is veiled, considered a lollipop and forced to believe that she is not supposed to have an identity. Alas, it really is a shame that even a pet is taken outdoors for its enjoyment and leisure while a woman is an embarrassment if she gets out of the house. These fathers and brothers may refuse to understand the very natural ways of the law of attraction between a man and a woman but it doesn’t change the fact that the person locked in the house is as attracted to the opposite sex as them. A woman is just as human as a man. So, why is a woman supposedly the one to stay at home? Why is a man supposedly the one to go out and make a living? It’s time we understand that this ‘honour thing’ is nothing but a burden to society. We need to make the world a better place to live in and freedom for all genders is necessary for that. I’m sure you are wondering what all this has to do with Hasan Nisar’s suggestion. Well, nude beaches are un-Islamic and definitely not acceptable in our country; we prefer using proxies on the internet instead!

It was 8:30 at night. Imran was sitting in his apartment in one of the posh areas of Dubai. Sprawled on the comfortable couch, he lazily switched channels on his 60-inch plasma TV while typing a text message to a friend on his cell phone. His iPad lay next to him, opened to The New York Times online page.  It was a typical evening in the life of a Generation Y executive surrounded by technology 24/7 until the familiar ring of an incoming Skype call jolted him out of his lethargic state. He looked at his watch and then back at the iPad screen. The picture of the caller seemed familiar but it took a few seconds for Imran to recognise who it was. He tapped the ‘accept’ tab on the screen and exclaimed,

“My God! Dude, are you alive?”

“Look who’s talking! I should ask you that question, buddy. Where have you been? If you remember, it was me who called the last time as well…wait, when was that? Almost a year ago?”

“That’s true but you know how it is yaar…how life here in Dubai is. Working hours are long and then the time difference. I thought of calling you so many times but something or the other kept me busy. How is your family? And what about the little one? She must be around seven years old by now, right?”

“Hello! Long time Rajesh bhai…a big ‘Hi’ to Natasha and Jyoti.”

Rajesh: “Everything’s fine here yaar. But I miss the good old days of Dubai. Honestly speaking, I miss the days when we were flat-mates – two bachelors living the ‘Dubai dream’ of struggling to earn a decent living, getting a promotion, getting a driving license, watching cricket and getting married.”

“Not in the same order of course but yeah, it does seem like another lifetime at times.” Imran: “Hahaha… Yes! And do you remember the first time when you came back from your vacation in India… when was that? In 2009? You were so heartbroken…”

“Because of your engagement and all of us teased you about losing the match in Centurion. Wow, 2009… that was also the last year you guys had played in Pakistan. And we were sure it was the cricket that broke your heart…not some girl!”

“Yes! You Pakistani rascals! I remember how Shoaib Malik’s century saved you guys. But don’t forget how you were beaten for three consecutive years after that. Hahaha…the sweetest win was in Mohali… remember Sachin’s knock?” Imran: “Nah… I forgot, Sachin who?”

“Sachin who? The same guy who showed Akhtar how not to bowl or else the ball would be found on the other side of the boundary!” Imran: “Oh… you must be confused. I thought all Indians knew that the guy who makes the entire Indian team stay out of the boundary line is Shahid Afridi. Oh sorry… you call him ‘Boom Boom Afridi!” Rajesh: “I love the spirit of you Pakistanis. No matter how badly we beat you and how many times we beat you, you guys never accept it.” Imran: “Exactly! You must have heard the saying ‘winners never quit and quitters never win!’ That’s why we are always winners, regardless of the outcome of any game. And you guys? Well, what can I say?”

“Imran, I see the painting behind you on the wall. And I see the grapes. Taste them… are they sour?”

“They are very sour. After all, I’m eating Indian grapes in Dubai!” Rajesh: “Okay, okay. It’s that time of the year again, isn’t it? Big tournament, the T20 World Cup and in this day and age, it doesn’t get any better. I have everything set up here. A 60-inch screen in my living room, a leather couch and the wife will make sure we have enough popcorn and sodas. And oh yeah, Jyoti will take a day off from school. But I miss you, my friend. Without you, it just won’t be the same.” Imran: “You just took the words out of my mouth, Rajesh. No more small screen TVs in the neighbour’s room, no standing outside TV showrooms on the sidewalk to watch the final overs of the game. Today we have it – our own place, all the technology and fancy gadgets. But the friends are not here anymore. Without you, my Indian buddy, nothing is going to be the same. I’ll be with other friends, probably other Pakistanis and you will probably be with many Indians from your neighbourhood.” Rajesh: “Yes and we’ll clap, cheer and dance every time our team hits a boundary or takes a wicket but deep down, I will miss you my friend. Sometimes I feel grateful that I left India and saw the world. Just like you left Pakistan and saw the world too.  I met and befriended so many Pakistanis, just like you met so many of us Indians. And we learned that as much as we might fight politically, cricket always brings us closer, as strange as that may be.”

“Yes. That’s something I can’t disagree with. After all, our cricketers always take away your Bollywood heroines and other celebrities and it’s the ‘cricket’ that brings them ‘closer’.” Rajesh: “That’s unfair. You guys should show some generosity and do an exchange. Why are we always the ones giving our beautiful faces to you?  Forget about Bollywood, you even took our tennis star!” Imran: “C’mon, you guys should be thankful. We gave you Veena Malik. Isn’t that enough?”

“Please don’t give her back!”

“Acha listen, I have to log off now. But let’s connect again soon. How about March 21, right after the match? Or will you be in mourning?”

“Yes, I will be in mourning. After all, a friend’s loss is my loss too! So, while we will celebrate our team’s win, I can assure you my friend, you will not see me smile on Skype at least.”

“Yeah, yeah we’ll see. See you soon then.” Imran: “March 21, you bet my friend! Bye!”

The ever famous model-turned-singer, Ayyan Ali, released her debut single ‘You and I’ featuring Charm a few days ago. Since then, the 21-year-old supermodel has had to face severe criticism with regard to the music video and her singing abilities (or lack thereof). In my humble opinion, whatever the quality of the song may be, I applaud the young model for doing something she believed in – despite knowing the kind of backlash received by her counterparts earlier. I came across the music video the day it was released, and honestly speaking, I didn’t think it was all that bad. It was, in my opinion, very well directed and produced; Ayyan was given the spotlight and she definitely did it justice. Although the video did have a strong ‘Western’ element, it was shot beautifully. It starts off portraying Ayyan as femme fatale and a little later goes on to introduce Charm, as he raps alongside our exquisitely dressed model. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x22m50d_ayyan-ft-f-charm-you-and-i-official-music-video_music[/embed] Although some critics believe her voice was auto-tuned, this very trend has become quite common in the music industry. Take, for example, Rebecca Black and Britney Spears, both are infamous for using auto-tune in their music. Yes, Ayyan’s singing may not have been top-notch, that is not to say I am criticising her ‘accent’, but the auto-tune was definitely over-the-top. The first few seconds of the song looked great, but the music failed to catch my attention – it did, however, pick up the pace during the second half of the song – enough for me to write this piece in its defence. Although some of the harsh reviews from fans and music critics were expected, the degree of hate being spewed was not anticipated. Despite all her efforts and achievements, Ayyan was dropped like a hot potato straight into a ball of fire. What bothers me about this critical view, however, is that it is not that Ayyan, a model, made a debut as a singer, it is because Pakistan has refused to accept all the new celebrities trying their luck with music and singing. When Veena Malik released her music video titled ‘Drama Queen’ she was given flak for every little detail of the video. Yes, she may have a ‘vivid’ public image, but I do not remember that becoming the right of keyboard warriors to insult and demoralise her or her abilities. I may not have liked the song, but the fact that critics took to insulting instead of giving constructive criticism is what struck the wrong chord for me. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xtzx9l_veena-malik-song-drama-queen-fuul-song_music[/embed] Coming out of your comfort zone takes time, effort and lots of guts. Sitting behind a pseudonym and computer screen, on the other hand, doesn’t. Yes, criticise, but don’t dispirit. Everyone can learn from their mistakes, and Pakistan is very active at pointing out the mistakes, but no one thinks to provide advice instead, encouragement or constructive criticism. How will things ever prosper if we keep shooting any and every effort down? In another instance, Ayesha Omar, who is acclaimed for her acting skills, was given the shorter end of the stick when she started singing as well. A number of critics were appreciative of her singing talents but as per usual, there were others who had no qualms blurting out their ‘reservations’ as well. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17n0ih_coke-studio-season-6-episode-2-laage-re-nain-ayesha-omar-2013-hd-suleman-record_music[/embed] In this case, however, you will notice that due to the relatively timid reputation of the actress, the comments were not as negative as those for Veena Malik or Ayyan’s music video. In Mathira’s case, however, sh*t hit the roof. This celebrity was brave enough to release two singles: ‘Jadugar’ and ‘Jhoota’ but both the songs were bashed to the moon and back. In certain cases, like the video of ‘Jhoota’ many criticised the fact that it featured a boy who was much too young to have taken part in the video of its kind and that I agree with, but again, the misplaced criticism was directed towards her only and not the parents of the boy. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ys4nx_mathira-jadugar-official-video-by-s-a_music[/embed] [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x190fjx_mathira-feat-arbaz-khan-jhootha-official-music-video-hd_music[/embed] When I asked around about the thoughts of certain individuals with regards to Ayyan’s music video ‘You and I’, the feedback I got from Warsi Nisar, an undergraduate student from Karachi, was,

“The music video was absolutely filthy! The singing was terrible. Thumbs down!”

“I liked the music video but her singing wasn’t the best.”

 “She’s a good model. I was quite impressed with her acting in the music video. Overall, I appreciate her effort.”

It was interesting to read the incident about Gauhar Khan, the Muslim Bollywood actress, who was slapped during her attendance as a presenter at the reality show ‘India’s Raw Star’ on Sunday. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2bge34_gauhar-khan-slapped-on-india-s-raw-star_people[/embed] The matter is thought provoking because Akil Malik, the 24-year-old man who slapped her, claimed that he did so because being a Muslim, she was wearing an inappropriately short and revealing dress. After the incident, Malik did not resist arrest, indicating that he was in no way ashamed of what he had done. Malik’s reason for the slap changes the entire context of the story, taking it out of the boundaries of ‘assault’ into ‘assault in the name of Islam’. However, either way, the slap cannot be condoned. Needless to say, for those who are disgusted with the way Muslim women flaunt their legs, backs and what not in totally revealing dresses, this incident would have been akin to a spray of cool water on smouldering coals. Their first thoughts probably would have been ‘serves her right’. But sentimentality aside, Malik’s act remains unacceptable because he had no right to correct a ‘wrong’ in such a manner. Khan evidently didn’t ‘buy’ the excuse of religion either but thought her choice of attire was personal. And even if there was an issue, she said,

“We can resolve issues through dialogue, baat kar lete hain (we can talk), why did he have to hit me?”

I fail to understand the hue and cry against the comparisons of the events of Islamabad to a mujra. If anything Altaf Hussain insulted Heera Mandi with the comparison. At least with Heera Mandi everyone knows how much everyone is getting paid, and who is getting screwed. All Altaf Bhai wants is permission to open a branch of Heera Mandi in Karachi, at least it would be cleaner than the Sabzi Mandi and fewer women would get sexually harassed there compared to the Sabzi Mandi. An event organised by politicians by spending a lot of money to awaken the naujawans is the very definition of a mujra. Tell me this, if it was not a mujra, what is DJ Butt doing there? DJ Butt has clearly infiltrated the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) ranks, on behalf of his Butt brotherhood. The fact that every time Imran Khan starts to criticise Gullu Butt, DJ Butt starts playing a song to disrupt him is clear evidence of his annoyance. PTI may be singing to the tune of, “I like DJ Butt and I cannot lie” for now but he will eventually get revenge for the verbal abuse against the Butt brotherhood, especially the three Butt sisters, Seema Butt, Rabya butt and Kissma Butt; butt is thicker than water. Maybe the name ‘Butt’ made Altaf Bhai think of other things. Behind the allure of Altaf Bhai’s intoxicating gravel, there are logical facts. My conclusions are based on sound evidence, I have watched clips of the dharna on all television channels and the only close-up shots I saw were of women. Why would so many women and girls come out on the streets of Islamabad? It is not like they constitute half the population of Pakistan and have the right to exercise their fundamental rights as much as any men. This is Pakistan; politics is a man’s game. Women do not belong at protests, unless of course they are there to run the kitchens for the dharna. A man’s got to eat you know. Women did not help Pakistan gain independence, in fact many women could not even migrate to Pakistan because they not allowed out of their houses. Women did not win back democracy for Pakistan from Ziaul Haq. The Women’s Action Forum was mainly an excuse to get together and watch Star Plus. There is no history in Pakistan of strong female political leaders. People like Fatima Jinnah and Benazir Bhutto are mere fairy tales to tell little girls, they are basically the Pakistani version of Elsa and Anna.

Anna: “Do you want to build a Pakistan?” Elsa: “Let it go. Soon you won’t be single anymore. Let it go, let it go, the jahez never bothered us anyway.”

“Qurbaani say pehley, Qurbaani hogee.”

“Kameez teri Kali, tay sohna phoola wali…tay nu le kay jawa ga Mianwali.”

In the summer of 2010, a colleague brought a new newspaper to work. The workplace had a number of publications coming in but this one made an immediate impact. The type face was bold, the pictures vibrant with colour and the stories were fresh. It was sassy without being saucy and with enough hard hitting content to make me read it cover to cover in one go. The newspaper was The Express Tribune (ET) and fast becoming the young reader’s choice. The reasons were obvious. Compared to the staid fare ladled out by competing newspapers, The Express Tribune was talking about issues prevalent but never discussed: alcoholism, prostitution, homosexuality, religious extremism and, of course, terrorism. While the op-ed pages of other newspapers had octogenarians dawdling on in colonial English about soporific topics, ET was giving space to the next generation of writers and journalists. The writing ranged from the good to the ordinary (who can forget or even forgive the “10 reasons why I love kittens” type blogs or the constant coverage of Veena Malik and her ilk?), but there was a virginal approach that made one overlook the sophomoric features for the meaty ones. The newspaper wasn’t shy of naming names and taking stances. No inverted commas adorned its headlines, a tactic other English dailies used and still do which imply that this is what has been heard, thus avoiding any direct link or even ownership with the story. ET’s naming and shaming policy was practically revolutionary in an industry which thrives on cunning obfuscation and exquisite ambiguity. Then there was the added benefit of getting access to the International Herald Times, something that I had only gotten access to through my university and had been deprived of since graduation. Soon ET was taking on the big boys and they were reacting to the upstart. Black and white pictures gave way to coloured images, mast heads were altered along curvier and more pleasing lines, headlines spruced up, graphics introduced. Suddenly new writers started finding a home in what hitherto had been sacrosanct ground, accessible only to a particular elite. The change was even more visible in the online version. ET had tapped into the younger audience, one more attuned to reading through the websites than the print version. Keeping in mind the demographics of the country – some 60% of Pakistan’s population is under 30 – this was a sound strategy. Soon others brushed up their online presence and the result was an overall improvement on the presentation side of English print journalism in Pakistan. As an aspiring writer, I was excited. Here was a publication that was not going to shred pieces because they had too much flair or flirted with controversy. Editing would be done to improve pieces and not to suck their souls. Humour was encouraged and so was flamboyance as long as it kept with the intent of the piece. And best of all, the forces causing havoc in the country would not be mollycoddled. It seemed like the revolution would continue but then disaster struck. On August 16^th, 2013 I read a tweet by a staff member that there is an attack on the Karachi offices of the paper that injured two guards. Then a few months later on December 2^nd, grenades were thrown on ET’s building in Karachi. The third attack took place on January 17^th, 2014 and resulted in the deaths of three ET employees. Death, a looming shadow over truth, had come to the door. The paper’s boldness and courage had marked it for the terrorists who took ownership of the attacks. There were some who felt this was on the cards, detractors who disliked the liberal line the paper had taken and wanted to see it operate like the demure maids its sister publications were. Sadly, the result of the attacks was in line with the intent of attacks. Pushed to the wall, ET made policy changes about coverage and opinion pages. Extremist parties and militant groups would not be antagonised and if attacks were covered, they would be pared down. The New York Times story on Osama bin Laden’s presence in Pakistan censored completely, an empty space scarring the paper where the words would have been. There would also be a more conservative approach in the lifestyle sections; Veena Malik was given a hiatus. I was aggrieved but there was nothing to be done. Journalism is important, but is it more important than the lives and security of journalists? No. But with its wings clipped the publication couldn’t carry on in the same verve. However, even after that it can throw the gauntlet of being the voice of Pakistan’s liberal left. The change it brought in the industry could not be denied. The old guard is no more; new writers are contributing in op-eds of senior papers and competition has made Pakistani journalism vastly better than it was a decade back. I still look to ET for hard hitting stories and it’s still my choice of paper for writing on difficult areas. As ET celebrates its fifth year, I can only wish it well and hope that one day we could have the old one back, the one that arrested my attention all those years back and made a starchy business graduate reach to the keyboard and pen a piece on his favourite topic, the Karachi summer.

This piece is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The frivolity with which Mehr sat in the Nadia Coffee Shop at the Marriot hotel in her revealing red sari earned a scorn or two from the passing ladies. Little did the ladies know that their husband’s enjoyed scantily clad Mehr’s sight as much as they despised it. She clutched her bag, a fake DKNY, peeked inside the pockets and then ordered a glass of lime water. Her calm countenance faded as her phone kept ringing. Her eyes scanned the men at the shop, separating the suitable ones from the lot. Her reddish brown hair curled at the tips, long enough to obstruct her cleavage at times; whenever this happened, she would toss her hair back. And she never forgot to hurl a flirtatious smile at men who smelled influence. Her schemes of socialising with the top directors were ever ready.  All she wanted was fame and fortune. Karim Mani was just up for a midday stroll in his own hotel, The Marriott. He walked slowly. His eyes were glued to the floor, seldom raising them to even watch where he was heading. On his way, he struggled with ignoring all the salaams he received from the receptionists, waiters, housekeeping managers, chalet drivers and the kitchen assistants. He took out his cell phone, looking more valuable in his DKNY phone cover, for the tenth time in the past half an hour, but all the messages pouring in read professional language. His eyes befell this young couple who seemed intensely hung up in each other’s company, too busy to notice the world. Envy encircled Karim; his loneliness became a harsher reality now. He distracted himself by scanning the customers on the left – what he saw, left him spellbound. This delicate, ethereal beauty dressed in red, sat all poised on one of the tables in the coffee shop .He knew he wasn’t dressed to kill. His white button down shirt and Diesel denims weren’t impressive enough but he knew that he wanted to talk to her. He moved towards her table quickly. All he wanted was love. Tired of covering the press conference of a B-grade singer in the boardroom of the Marriott hotel, Ahmed sat in the waiting room agitated. He gave the actress’s pictures a cursory glance once more, and put his camera on the table. Next to the camera lay the menu, untouched. Hunger pounced on him every now and then but he couldn't do anything more than just stare at it. He loosened his DKNY belt, the one he had picked from Zainab Market, to ease him, but hunger couldn’t be satisfied by anything but food. He thought of all the possible uncovered events he could break a story on which could make headlines the following day. Perhaps the latest on Ayaan Ali’s recent jail fashion or Veena’s new stride for repentance? Anything on politics, current affairs, sports or entertainment, anything that would give his wallet weight. Enough weight to sufficiently provide for his wife. When he checked his phone, there were several texts from his wife. He replied to her saying,

 “lAte pUnchu Ga jAan.”

“Insufficient balance”